FINALLY, I HAVE RISEN TO THE BOTTOM

Today (8/30) I have turned 75 years of age and that is great because I am now very much a minority. Being in less than 3% of the population, I can now officially claim to be a victim. With my new minority status, I, like other minorities before me, feel compelled to impose my will and desires on the majority, and because I am a minority, the majority, for some bizarre reason, will feel a moral obligation to bend over backwards to my demands.

So, I believe that since there are more women than men in the later years, I should be able to marry as many women as I wish, and would expect the Supreme Court to allow that to occur in all 50 states, for no particular reason other than it's what I want. Then our new little family should be able, and even encouraged, to adopt any 50-year-old orphans looking for a home. I would expect to be able to commandeer any main street, organize, and participate in a yearly Geezer Pride Parade with participants proudly riding in wheelchairs or pushing walkers while shamelessly wearing open bathrobes, oxygen tanks and adult underwear. Anyone finding this spectacle eccentric and slightly gonzo, and who would be inclined to say so out loud, should be restrained by the police and called an ageophobe.

I believe if I have any problem supporting my new little, but old, family (which if I do, shame on the government), I should be able to get most any job I wish because of age hiring quotas (10% percent of your employees should be 75 or older) in place. Also, a company's ability to fire me regardless of how slow I am, how much I forget, or how much I never knew, should be pretty much legally eliminated. Considering my new age handicap and what I deserve for having it, if I don't choose to get a job, maybe I could using my minority quota to leap-frog over many more eligible people and get into an Ivy League university and major in Viking Studies.

Of course for me to live the life to which I have, or wish to, become accustomed, I would expect to get (I am a minority, you remember) most every job I apply for. My minimum wage should be in the $100K range. Now, I know I'm not worth that, and that this money has to come from somewhere, but I don't care. That's not my problem. I'm a victim because I am a minority, and it's the responsibility of people who have money to figure out how to get me what I want. Why? Because I want it...

As one gets older the eyes go, the reflexes are dimmed and judgment gets impaired, but those are no reasons for 75 plusers being stopped by the police in inordinate numbers while going 20 MPH under the speed limit. If this obvious harassment continues, we seniors will have to engage in a 1000 Walker March to demonstrate against being unduly targeted for traffic violations. When I was a majority and had no one but myself to blame things on, I used to think being stopped by the police was my fault, but now since I am a minority, therefore a victim, I know the real reason I'm being stopped is DWO (Driving While Old) .

I would also expect to see an elder as one of the main characters on all TV show or movies. I would also expect the police and fire departments to employ a percent of the seniors living in the community they represent. It would be a big benefit if they could pass the mental and physical criteria for the police or fire job, but if they can't, so what? Isn't it more important to placate the vocal minority than to protect the silent majority?

Lastly, since I'm running out of energy to write any more, and my government provided ghost-writer is useless, are we not sick and tired of all of the young policemen shooting the aged? Don't they realize that Old Lives Matter?

Boy! these next 25 years are going to be fun.