Today, June 15, 2015, is Jean's and my 52nd wedding anniversary which got me thinking about the institution of marriage and how it has changed over the years, and how it is drastically being changed now, and will be changed in the future. No, I'm not going to talk about politics This is too special of a day to drive myself that nuts, but I would like to talk about the changing world in which marriage lives.
Margaret Mead, an American cultural anthropologist, thought every woman needed
three husbands: one for youthful sex, one for security while raising children and one for joyful companionship in old age.
In 1910, the year my father was born life expectancy was 50, and the median age of first marriage was 23, giving a lifetime of marital bliss of 27 years.
In 1940 when I was born, the life expectancy was 63, and first marriages occurred at 23, giving a life time of marital bliss to be 40 years.
In 1963, Jean and I were married in our early 20s. Life expectancy today is a little short of 80, meaning we could expect, statistically speaking, a married life of 60 years.
If this keeps up, can folks in the future look forward to possibly celebrating a 100th year wedding anniversary?
As time goes by and life expectancy rises, we may be asked to be one with one person for an extremely long period of time. Let me again repeat Ms. Mead's thinking: every woman needed three husbands: one for youthful sex, one for security while raising children, and one for joyful companionship in old age.
Was Margaret correct? Is it possible to have one person meet all three of those needs, be what we need to complete all three stages of life as a couple? I say, "yes," but a lot has to fall together to make that happen.
I worry that the vast majority of TV shows and movies glamorize the Stage 1. I watch these shows where the principle character is a double agent, falling in bed with every other cast member, but at the end, she realizes the sweet talking, bed-hopping other character was the one for her, "THE END." I then try to project them into a life of raising children, going to school board meetings and soccer practice. Then I try to see them as senior citizens caring for each other when who they were is slowly slipping away. I'm not encouraged.
I was never sure why some people cried at weddings but now, seeing what it takes to make a commitment to one person over the long haul, I'm not sure why everybody is not crying. Life is tough, it's unpredictable, it's full of toe-curling happiness and for some, unfathomable sorrow and that commitment can't be held together because the partner was good in bed in their 20s.
Nature set us up that way in order to procreate, and has done, all in all, a good job, but the downside is that Mead's Stage 1 happens when many people are too immature to think deeply enough to know if he or she really even LIKES that other person? Can we communicate, can we be silent together, is he fun to be with, am I a better person because of her and when we are apart do I look forward to telling her what I experienced? Is he my best friend?
Of course, it's not expected when you're in the wild passion of a 20-year-old to project what it will be like visiting your partner in a nursing home or changing an adult diaper or finding a cooked chicken in the clothes hamper, but it is certainly time to begin to recognize the need to think things through.
As Yogi Berra said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Life is full of forks. Do we live here or there? Do I take this job or that? Do we have children or not? If so, how many? Public or private school? All of these are "forks." It's the ability to navigate these shark-infested waters that may well determine if a couple makes it to the end. There are not many TV shows or movies that deal with Stage 2; it's not romantic or sexy, but it's the core. It's the guts of a good marriage. How a couple address these life issues, will determine if there is a Stage 3 in the future
Then, if we are lucky, comes Stage 3. The two of you alone without any of those Stage 2 questions to answer and without the kids or the job to concentrate on. With people living longer most of our married life may well be spent in Stage 3, and basically Stage 3 is like Stage 1 without quite as much sex.
So, a farmer and his wife in the 1800s had crops and kids with which to concern themselves and they only had to be concerned for 15-20 years. Today a couple both may have jobs away from the home, 2.5 kids to care for, and are tormented by world conditions through 24/7 news. Technology is changing their lives on a daily basis---and they can be together for 60 plus years! To paraphrase Liam Neeson in Taken, today’s couples will need a "particular set of skills" to make it to the end with the same partner. Our options appear to be developing long term relationship skills or switching out partners every time things get tough.
After 52 years of lesson learning, neither Jean nor I have any interest in breaking in anyone new. We're in for the duration, and we wish the same for all of you.
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